Goodness gracious... What a day. I'll begin this blog by saying that for the sake of the kind of brutal honesty that these blogs seem to be used for, I'll post whatever I type, even if I'd much rather just delete it and pretend it doesn't exist.
Where to start?... Well... Out of the blue, my friend Sarah text me today. Bear in mind, first of all, that Sarah and I have NEVER dated and we've NEVER had sex; we've kissed... A few times... A very long time ago.. That's it... That's the extent of it. Second of all, while there might have been a time, about four years ago, when I would've jumped at the chance to be with Sarah, I have no feelings whatsoever for her anymore, beyond that of a nostalgic kind of friendship because she's one of the very few friends that I have left from my hometown... Anyway.. Sarah and I had stopped talking to one another completely a little over two months ago... She'd deleted her Facebook, so she had no idea what was going on in my life.. (i.e. Kristen).. So she text me and asked how I was doing... I told her how deliriously happy I am with Kristen, how I really believe that I've found the one... She told me that she was happy for me, and that she was sorry that we'd stopped talking... Because back in August, she'd planned to come up in October to visit me... I told her it was probably for the best that she hadn't come up, because I was certain that Kristen wouldn't have been okay with that.
She said that she still wanted to come to Chicago and I told her, "I feel like I really have a good thing going with Kristen.. And as much as I'd like to catch up with you, I'm really trying to do this the right way.. I've been kind of duplicitous in my previous relationships when it comes to you.. I'd justify anything under the heading of "Unfinished business", as if no matter who I was with, you had some kind of prior claim... But I'm working on just being honest.. And to be honest, I'm not willing to risk what I have now for anything. I'm trying my hand at being a good person for once.. No ulterior motives, no constantly trying to 'keep my options open', or trying to figure out how green the grass is on the other side while still 'technically' not breaking any promises.. I'm sick of the spin.. I'm sick of having to twist things around so they don't sound as bad, or make me sound like such an asshole... I'd rather just simply NOT be an asshole. Kristen means the world to me, and I never want to lose her.. She makes me want to be a better person." Sarah told me that she respected my decision and that she wouldn't bother me again.
See, the thing is... In all my past relationships, I had my eye on the Exit sign like a claustrophobic person in a crowded movie theater.. I was ready to run at any given moment, and run I did... I ran from Iowa to Louisiana, from Louisiana to Texas, and from Texas to Illinois and the Navy... My life to this point has been about exit strategies... So for me to find a woman, a relationship, that I DON'T want to run away from, that I'm NOT trying to find a way out of, is kind of a big deal... That's how I know it's real... And I've never felt this way before... It scares me to death most of the time.. Being so invested and so vulnerable, giving her the power to hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before... It's a little scary.
I talk about love, and being a hopeless romantic, and eternally optimistic.. But the big secret is, I'm just as terrified of having my heart broken as anyone else. I just decided that even the possibility of spending the rest of my life with this amazing woman outweighed the potential risks. The simple truth of it all is that I love her, and I'm more than willing to spend every day of the rest of forever making sure that she knows exactly how much she means to me.
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