Buildings and Bridges...

So, yesterday was... I don't even know. Kristen told me that she needs a break. I can understand that.  But as understanding as I am, doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a hard punch in the gut that I never saw coming.  She says she's scared of forever, and I know what that's like... I'm scared too... Not of forever, not this time... I used to be scared of forever... When I used to think about the possibility of being with anyone else for the rest of my life, I'd almost immediately break into a cold sweat, because it wasn't what I wanted... They weren't what I wanted... I felt trapped, caged in, like I couldn't breathe... I was terrified, because I knew I was going to be unhappy.

But with Kristen, the only thing I'm scared of is that I'm going to lose her.  I'm scared that she's going to realize that she doesn't want to be with me.. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and when I think about a future, a forever, with her... It doesn't make me sweat, it makes me smile.. I know she's uncertain, and I wish I could convince her that we'd be good together, that I'd be good for her... I've been trying so hard to show her that I'm not like other people... I'm not going to hurt her, I don't have ulterior motives, I'm not saying one thing and doing another... Maybe I've been trying too hard, I don't know... I've never wanted or expected Kristen to be anything other than exactly who she is... And if she needs time, she can have it... There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, nothing I wouldn't give her, if it's within my power... And I'm not going anywhere... So if it's a break she needs, I'll give it to her, and gladly.... Because I want her to be certain... In the meantime, I'll take a step back, and keep my fingers crossed, and just... hope.  That's all I can do.. I feel like I've said all I can say... She knows how I feel.. It's up to her now.

I'm Not Who I Was...

Goodness gracious... What a day.  I'll begin this blog by saying that for the sake of the kind of brutal honesty that these blogs seem to be used for, I'll post whatever I type, even if I'd much rather just delete it and pretend it doesn't exist.

Where to start?... Well... Out of the blue, my friend Sarah text me today.  Bear in mind, first of all, that Sarah and I have NEVER dated and we've NEVER had sex; we've kissed... A few times... A very long time ago.. That's it... That's the extent of it. Second of all, while there might have been a time, about four years ago, when I would've jumped at the chance to be with Sarah, I have no feelings whatsoever for her anymore, beyond that of a nostalgic kind of friendship because she's one of the very few friends that I have left from my hometown... Anyway.. Sarah and I had stopped talking to one another completely a little over two months ago... She'd deleted her Facebook, so she had no idea what was going on in my life.. (i.e. Kristen).. So she text me and asked how I was doing... I told her how deliriously happy I am with Kristen, how I really believe that I've found the one... She told me that she was happy for me, and that she was sorry that we'd stopped talking... Because back in August, she'd planned to come up in October to visit me... I told her it was probably for the best that she hadn't come up, because I was certain that Kristen wouldn't have been okay with that.

She said that she still wanted to come to Chicago and I told her, "I feel like I really have a good thing going with Kristen.. And as much as I'd like to catch up with you, I'm really trying to do this the right way.. I've been kind of duplicitous in my previous relationships when it comes to you.. I'd justify anything under the heading of "Unfinished business", as if no matter who I was with, you had some kind of prior claim... But I'm working on just being honest.. And to be honest, I'm not willing to risk what I have now for anything.  I'm trying my hand at being a good person for once.. No ulterior motives, no constantly trying to 'keep my options open', or trying to figure out how green the grass is on the other side while still 'technically' not breaking any promises.. I'm sick of the spin.. I'm sick of having to twist things around so they don't sound as bad, or make me sound like such an asshole... I'd rather just simply NOT be an asshole.  Kristen means the world to me, and I never want to lose her.. She makes me want to be a better person."  Sarah told me that she respected my decision and that she wouldn't bother me again.

See, the thing is... In all my past relationships, I had my eye on the Exit sign like a claustrophobic person in a crowded movie theater.. I was ready to run at any given moment, and run I did... I ran from Iowa to Louisiana, from Louisiana to Texas, and from Texas to Illinois and the Navy... My life to this point has been about exit strategies... So for me to find a woman, a relationship, that I DON'T want to run away from, that I'm NOT trying to find a way out of, is kind of a big deal... That's how I know it's real... And I've never felt this way before... It scares me to death most of the time.. Being so invested and so vulnerable, giving her the power to hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before... It's a little scary.

I talk about love, and being a hopeless romantic, and eternally optimistic.. But the big secret is, I'm just as terrified of having my heart broken as anyone else.  I just decided that even the possibility of spending the rest of my life with this amazing woman outweighed the potential risks. The simple truth of it all is that I love her, and I'm more than willing to spend every day of the rest of forever making sure that she knows exactly how much she means to me.

Who would've thought? It figures....

So here I am at Great Lakes Naval Station, nearly 6 months into my training, when just 12 months ago I was laughing at the idea of someone wanting to join the military.  Life is funny like that, I suppose.  Don't get me wrong, I think joining the Navy was the best decision I've ever made... The things that I've been through and accomplished (when I didn't think I could), and the people that I've met, have made this adventure more than worth it.  After all, if it wasn't for the Navy, I never would've met the love of my life, Kristen.

More and more lately, I can't help but have Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" stuck in my head, as that seems to be pretty fitting for this situation.  I signed up for six years in the Navy... Six years of being told where I'm going to live, what I'm going to do, (and thanks to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, six years of being told whether I can or can't get married.)... So picture my surprise when, not even six months in, I meet the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.. No doubt about it, no hesitation... This is the real thing, signed, sealed, delivered... The only problem? She's in the Navy too, and currently stationed a smidgen over 2,000 miles away from me. So I signed my life away, then found the one I want to give my life to... Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

Anyway, as one can imagine, the distance is difficult to endure; but I feel like we're making the best of it.  I have never, in all my life, loved someone as much as I love Kristen... And even though I miss her like crazy, and being away from her hurts like hell (pretty much all the time), I wouldn't trade it for the world... Because she's so worth it.  So, for the time being, until we can be together again, I'm hanging in there, making it through the day-to-day and spending my nights dreaming of our future :-)

I suppose that's all my ramblings for now... More to come..