When I said that I deserve better, I meant that I deserved better than how the situation ended up, not that I deserved better than Kristen specifically. I can't believe she would even think that. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. Which is why I was so hurt by it. As I said in previous blogs, this was the first time that I completely opened up, the first time that I didn't have an exit strategy or a back-up plan. Kristen was it for me. I know she beats herself up over what happened, especially after what Angie said to her, but she has to know that I have never thought anything like that. I know she has a good heart. She says that she deserves to be hated, deserves for me to never speak to her again. That's not true at all. I remember what it was like to be twenty, contrary to popular belief, it wasn't that long ago. I understand it when she says "It's complicated", because I understand her. I know that there are a lot of things going on in her head, and that it can get overwhelming. Which is why I tried my hardest not to pressure her or push her into anything, I didn't want to add to the confusion. I'm pretty much just laying it all out on the line now, because at this point, what do I have to lose? There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and wish that things could be different, that they could be the way they were before. I believe there's still a chance for us, no matter how remote that chance may be.
Basically, what all this boils down to, is that I am now, have always been, and will always be, in love with her. I can't help it. And I can't let go, I won't, I refuse. She means too much to me. So I'll be there for her, no matter what, for as long as she'll let me. And maybe, eventually, she'll believe in us again too.
