So, yesterday was... I don't even know. Kristen told me that she needs a break. I can understand that. But as understanding as I am, doesn't mean it doesn't feel like a hard punch in the gut that I never saw coming. She says she's scared of forever, and I know what that's like... I'm scared too... Not of forever, not this time... I used to be scared of forever... When I used to think about the possibility of being with anyone else for the rest of my life, I'd almost immediately break into a cold sweat, because it wasn't what I wanted... They weren't what I wanted... I felt trapped, caged in, like I couldn't breathe... I was terrified, because I knew I was going to be unhappy.
But with Kristen, the only thing I'm scared of is that I'm going to lose her. I'm scared that she's going to realize that she doesn't want to be with me.. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and when I think about a future, a forever, with her... It doesn't make me sweat, it makes me smile.. I know she's uncertain, and I wish I could convince her that we'd be good together, that I'd be good for her... I've been trying so hard to show her that I'm not like other people... I'm not going to hurt her, I don't have ulterior motives, I'm not saying one thing and doing another... Maybe I've been trying too hard, I don't know... I've never wanted or expected Kristen to be anything other than exactly who she is... And if she needs time, she can have it... There's nothing I wouldn't do for her, nothing I wouldn't give her, if it's within my power... And I'm not going anywhere... So if it's a break she needs, I'll give it to her, and gladly.... Because I want her to be certain... In the meantime, I'll take a step back, and keep my fingers crossed, and just... hope. That's all I can do.. I feel like I've said all I can say... She knows how I feel.. It's up to her now.
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